Relationship Attachment Styles: The Basics

Likely you’ve heard someone flippantly declare that they (or you, or someone else) have “daddy issues” or “mommy issues.”

While most often used as an insult, these phrases are actually rooted in psychotherapy. Specifically, a psychological model known as attachment theory.

What exactly is attachment theory?

Originally developed by psychoanalyst John Bowlby and later expanded by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory says a person’s early relationships in life—especially with their caregivers—greatly inform and impact their romantic relationships later in life.

Bowlby and Ainsworth believed that a person was born with an innate drive to become attached to their caregiver, usually the mother.

But the availability—or inability—of their caregiver to give care, and the quality of the care given, shaped what that bond or lack of bond looked like. Ultimately, according to attachment theory, this is what shapes an individual’s romantic bonds as an adult.

How does attachment theory break down?

Attachment theory is complex. The short of it is that someone can fall into one of two camps:

• secure attachment
• insecure attachment

Insecure attachment can be broken down further into four specific subtypes:

• anxious
• avoidant
• anxious-avoidant
• disorganized

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Secure

Secure attachment is known as the healthiest of all attachment styles.

What causes it?

Folks with secure attachment had caregivers that were, in one word, dependable.

Secure attachment children had caregivers that offered unconditional protection: the creation of a secure, nurturing, and safe place for them.

How does Secure Attachment manifest?

As adults, securely attached folks aren’t scared of rejection or intimacy within their relationships.

They feel comfortable getting close to others and trust that if their lover (or best friend for life) says they aren’t going anywhere, they aren’t going anywhere.

This isn’t the type that would “accidentally” scroll through their partner’s emails or insist on having their GPS location shared at all times.

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Anxious

Also known as “anxious-ambivalent” or just “anxious” attachment, these folks are generally perceived as needy.

What causes it?

You may have anxious attachment if your primary caregiver failed to consistently support your needs or come when you called. This type of attachment is common for people whose parent(s) traveled often for work.

For instance, if the parent was away on business and not available Monday through Friday but still present Saturday and Sunday.

Or, people whose parent(s) were going through their own personal or relationship difficulties, e.g. divorce, job loss, death of a parent, depression, etc.

How does Anxious Attachment manifest?

Someone with anxious attachment is constantly afraid that they’re going to be rejected or neglected.

To quell those fears, they’ll often engage in obsessive behaviors like texting 24/7, refreshing their partner’s social media, or overcommunicating.

Typically, they gravitate towards individuals who are also anxiously attached and create unhealthy, co-dependent relationships.

They may also desire other avoidant-attached people because the dynamic is similar to what they had with their parents.

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Avoidant

Ever meet someone who seemed like they had no feelings at all? They were likely avoidant-attached.

What causes it?

When a caregiver dismisses a child’s needs or treats those needs as superfluous, eventually the child stops stating their needs altogether.

Instead, they turn inward, shutdown, and (hopefully) learn to become independent and self-reliant. But in many cases, the avoidant-attached continue to keep themselves to themselves in ways harmful to relationships.

How does Avoidant Attachment manifest?

As adults, they seek isolation, independence, and often come across as self-absorbed, selfish, or cold.

People with this attachment style tend to view emotions and connections as relatively unimportant. As a result, they don’t often prioritize relationships.

It’s common for avoidant-attached folks to avoid relationships altogether. Or to hop from one semi-serious, short-term relationship to another without ever fully committing.

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Anxious-avoidant

These are the people best described as going from “hot to cold.”

What causes it?

Anxious-avoidant is the love child of avoidant and anxious attachment.

Much rarer than avoidant or anxious attachment styles, folks with anxious or fearful-avoidant attachment often had traumatizing experiences with their caregiver.

Sometimes the caregiver was aggressively present, other times the caregiver was absent.

How does Anxious-Avoidant Attachment manifest?

Often, they find themselves in tumultuous relationships with high highs and low lows. They may even find themselves in abusive relationships.

In other words: they’re hot … and then they’re cold; they’re yes … and then they’re no.

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Disorganized

Also known as disoriented, insecure-disorganized, or unresolved attachment, folks who fall under this type are generally erratic and unpredictable.

What causes it?

People with disorganized attachment often had traumatizing experiences with their caregiver, such as emotional or physical abuse.

This caused them to be caught between being afraid of their caregiver, while also wanting to be comforted by them.

How does Disorganized Attachment manifest?

People with disorganized attachment simultaneously are afraid of getting either too close to or too distant from their loved ones.

They’re the kings and queens of the self-fulfilling prophecy: They crave connection, but out of fear of losing it, they retaliate, create drama, and find themselves in a lot of meaningless arguments once they have it.

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Next week we’ll examine other aspects of the attachment theory—stay tuned!

This article was brought to you by the Proactive Health Management Plan in partnership with Healthline.